I was so tempted to simply put a blank blog here. We’ve all seen those little books titled “Everything a man knows about women’’, and then the pages are blank, and while I believe this to be the case for what women know about men, I couldn’t leave it at that. I guess I like talking too much 😉
It’s funny too, as this idea that men know nothing about women is largely accepted; it’s my experience that men have been on a mission to change that and are beginning to make some headway. (Well done guys, if there is something you are so great at, it’s getting your mission done!) Us girls have been left behind a little, as we still really need to admit. We don’t know much, if anything, about men… what a relief. To us and to them.
Really, take a moment to take that in. What if it is okay to admit that you know nothing about men, how does that feel? I can say for sure that for me it feels like a load off.
You see, as women we only really know how WE think and act. And as women, almost everything that we say and do has a meaning. I of all people am not about to call myself an expert on how men think. In fact I am the first to say that men are an absolute mystery to me and I’m very happy to keep it that way. It’s not my job to know how he works; it’s enough to know that I only know that they are different to us. There is one rule of thumb though and that is that –
Men usually say what they mean.
Yes, I mean literally. Not like for us when we say. ‘Hmm I don’t mind if we go out tonight, if you want to go out with your friends instead.’ This rarely means exactly that. It probably means something more like. ‘I’m pretty sure you don’t really love me and are sick of me, so now I’LL know for sure, because if you choose to go out with your friends, even after we had this night planned for weeks, then you obviously don’t give a shit about me.’ Or something to that effect. C’mon girls, I implore you to be honest with yourselves, If we really didn’t care, we would say something more along the lines of. ‘Honey, I’m actually feeling like some time to myself and reckon you should go out with your friends instead.’ Or if we were able to actually ask for what we wanted, by being in our fairyland (for more insight on fairyland, read my previous blog of the same title) and communicating that to him, without directing him, we would say. ‘Hmm I don’t know honey, I feel like, if you went out tonight with your friends I would actually feel really disappointed and probably get really sad. If you kept your plans with me, I would feel important and so loved.’ You might feel like this is a strange thing to say, but I can guarantee you, this is exactly what he wants to hear from you. Back me up here guys, is this right???
One expert on how men do actually think is Alison Armstrong of ‘The Amazing Development of Men’, and reading her material will help to give a great insight into this very topic. She explains it perfectly when she says that the biggest mistake we make as women is that we see men as hairy misbehaving women. The thing is, they aren’t, they are men behaving like men.
You see, if one of our girlfriends behaved in the way that our man does, we would (probably rightly so) believe that she is being selfish, uncaring, unloving and mean. If one of our girlfriends forgot to call us, or didn’t get back to us immediately, or was unavailable to listen to how we feel at 2am, just as they were about to fall asleep because that’s when we needed to talk, we would get the message that she doesn’t care and we would probably to some degree be right, because that’s how women think and behave.
But we have to stop applying the same rules to our men!
They think and act differently. Let your man, or any man remain a mystery, (and who doesn’t want a man of mystery!). When they do or don’t do something, we need to avoid the temptation to make it mean X based ON our own ways of acting and thinking. Remember that he loves you and is a mystery. He usually says what he means. Even when we ask, why didn’t you call me back? And he says, ‘I was so busy that I totally forgot.’ Yes, as unbelievable as that is to us, because for us, our relationships are always at the forefront of our mind, it’s actually true and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. He was probably on his mission in his day and that’s what is forefront in his mind. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care, it’s just how his mind works. Likewise, when you want to talk about that thing at 2am just as his eyes are closing and he doesn’t have the capacity to listen and you ask him why. When he responds by saying ‘I love you and I’m interested, can we talk tomorrow as I’m too tired?’, It’s actually true and doesn’t mean anything else. Of course our women’s interpretation is: ‘My sleep is more important than you and I don’t love you enough to sacrifice it and hopefully by tomorrow you will have forgotten.’ We have to get it through our heads that men usually say what they mean and what they say doesn’t mean the same thing as what we interpret it to mean.
Throughout these blogs and the work I do with women and other awesome literature, it is possible to get an insight more deeply into the way a man works. While this is valuable, I also believe it’s enough to just look at them and not understand and instead of trying to ‘work him out’ , come back to fairyland and notice how it makes you feel. You may want to share that with him or not.
The important thing here is to just admit that you don’t understand the way his mind works, believe and trust what he tells you. We’ve all had experiences where we have been lied to, either in intimate relationships, family, work etc. And this may leave you wondering how or why would I just trust what my man says. Yes it’s a risk, but the other option is to try to analyse his every word and action based on a measure that simply doesn’t apply to him and end up living in a world of illusion which is not nearly as good as fairyland.
Believing him and trusting him and admitting that he is a mystery is such a beautiful way to be intrigued by him, to enjoy having that man of mystery (because all men are men of mystery if we allow them to be) and such a relief to him as he feels that finally he is able to be himself and isn’t being questioned about it all the time.
Just imagine how much energy and time you would have to focus on enjoying life and fulfilling your pleasures if you weren’t constantly involved in trying to work him out. It also allows us the ability to actually ask for what we want, which I will dive into in my next blog.
Thanks for reading, watching and sharing.