It has been my wayward, roller coaster ride of exploration in my early to mid thirties (okay I’m heading just past ‘mid’ but hey what’s a year or two?) of men, sex and relationships to find and make sense of it all. A futile expedition some may say; however my determination, astute intellect and firm belief in romance has spurred me on. And while I’m yet to find the magic spell I do believe that I have discovered a little something to help decipher some of the mysteries.
I was, as mentioned in my previous blog, going to write about getting what you want the easy way. However, after a 7am urgent coffee (or herbal tea in this case) call from a friend this morning, I was inspired to write about this trilogy or trifecta of connection.
She had just ended another romance that went terribly wrong. After 6 weeks of seeing this guy, she finally realised that he wasn’t going to turn from a frog to a prince simply by kissing him.
She, being a very successful corporate woman, stunning beauty, smart, funny, adventurous and spiritually mature, and looking for Mr. Right. So when she first met him and told me about him and how he was good looking, interesting and AVAILABLE. I asked about his other attributes or accomplishments in life. When she explained that he didn’t have a job, had been homeless for four years, had two children, one of which was under two, and that the relationship with their mother was a lot more than undesirable. He also smoked pot every day and didn’t have a visa to be in the country… Um, Mr right for her? I think not. Now I’d like to mention here that this is not at all a judgment on this man and his choices – he IS Mr right for someone, just obviously not her Mr. Right. If only she had been allowed to believe that her sexual desire is ok. Then she probably would have happily had him as a lover (and in speaking with her, post break-up, it is her awareness that this is and should have been the case). However, being brought up to believe that good girls don’t have sex outside of relationship, her need and desire won out and the only way she could make peace with this (unconsciously) was to develop a relationship with him. Needless to say, it didn’t work out. And in the end she felt unfulfilled, he felt judged and now she is left back at square one. No relationship, but, even more importantly, no sweet, easy yummy lover to service her sexual needs.
I must say here that I have no concern for her as she is an absolute bombshell siren inside and out and it won’t be long until the next possibility comes along and it is my hope that she, like all the other women out there, is able to call in the trifecta. Or at least be able to tell which of the three categories he falls in.
It seems that recognising the nature of the connection with a man is something that must be explored by the modern, independent, juicy woman. Especially the one who is constantly searching and being disappointed, feeling like it’s men that keep on letting her down. While it can be a favourite pastime of the single woman to bitch and moan about the latest (non) contender for her heart, is it really helpful? Is it really empowering to think or feel like each man that you meet that doesn’t ‘work out’ is because he is …. (Fill in the blank) Doesn’t this leave us believing that men are bad, immature, unavailable, and inconsiderate, and the list goes on. This isn’t a helpful belief to have because whatever we believe we will unconsciously go about creating in our lives.
What if it weren’t actually the case? What if it was simply that you did not successfully observe where in the trilogy he fits in?
Wouldn’t it be so much more helpful and empowering to get back in the driver’s seat and recognise that you actually have something to do with it. That you have choices?
Ok so what is the trilogy? The trifecta? Looks, money and a good relationship with his mum? No. Not this trilogy anyway. This trilogy is about the categories that a relationship with a man can fall into.
Sometimes our connection with a man is simply friendship. Where we get along awesomely, share similar interests, can talk for hours about things that we agree and disagree on. We can call each other up for a coffee, for a movie or just to natter. This man feels almost like a girlfriend in that we are at ease with them and genuinely enjoy their company. We could have their friendship one day and, if it dwindled, this would be okay too as we have other friends. Importantly too, there is no or very little sexual attraction.
This is where you feel love for and loved by a man. And yes, even your dad can fit into this category. I don’t claim to be able to explain love at all let alone in a paragraph, so suffice to say that this is the type of connection where there is an unconditional positive regard. Where you genuinely want what’s best for that person, where you trust their integrity, there is mutual respect and you will say and do the hard things for that person even if it means that they wont like you for it. It also means that if letting them go were going to be best for them, you would make that sacrifice. It also means that you may not be best buddies, you may not actually like them that much or not have too much in common and certainly there is very little or no sexual attraction
Ahhh sex, this is the one where it can often go awry! Does this one even need an explanation? I think so. This is the connection where you want to rip their clothes off, be ravished by them, get down and dirty and bonk till the cows come home.
Again you may not actually like or love them much or at all.
And yes!! It is entirely possible and even probable to have a relationship where only one of these is present.
Unfortunately we have been brought up in the dark ages as women, where we have been led to believe that you can have the sexual one only when the other two are present. Well I’m here to say it isn’t so!! And it seems that this belief is enabling unhealthy and unfulfilling relationships all over the world.
Through years of self guinea pigging and working with women in intimacy and relationship, it has become starkly obvious to me that it is possible to have any one singular connection with a man as well as any combination of the three.
So now that we have explored the singular connections let’s check out the combinations.
FRIENDSHIP AND LOVE.
This is those special friends, the ones who are really good friends to hang out with and have fun with, you probably have a lot in common, you love each other deeply and they feel almost like family. You would go to the ends of the earth for them and they would for you also. You just know that they will be in your life and heart forever in one form or another. It doesn’t matter if they live on the other end of the planet and if they needed you to fly to Zimbabwe, you just would.
FRIENDSHIP AND SEX.
Introducing, sex buddies.
This is a guy with whom you share a ravenous sexual connection and you love hanging out, doing fun things with occasionally and you could kind of take them or leave them. Meaning that, the type of friendship you have with them is not too special or different from the friendship that you have with your buddies except that you also happen to like screwing.
LOVE AND SEX.
Possibly the most difficult one of all and the one that can often end up in a relationship, the kind that doesn’t really work out.
This is the guy with whom you love to make love. The sex may even be deeply satisfying on a soul level. It may be a spiritual experience where you hear the angels sing and see his aura doing back flips. You also understand and love him, in that you really want what’s best for him. However there is not the friendship factor, meaning that you don’t really get along like a house on fire when you are not in bed i.e. you don’t really see the world through a similar lens. Conversations often end up as arguments or there isn’t much to talk about unless it involves convincing each other of each one’s point of view.
So where does the holy grail of long-term relationship come into it? I guess you may have guessed, the only one of the combinations that we have not yet explored..
LOVE, FRIENDSHIP AND SEX
This is not that common, let’s face it. Yes it does happen but not as often as we may like to try and convince ourselves. When my parents at the age of 61 divorced after more than 30 years of marriage, my mother sat me down and said: Belle, what’s important is that when you choose the man for you, you are able to sit around until all hours of the morning talking, that you have shared interests, because although the funny feelings that you start off with are nice, they fade and the friendly connection is what you are left with.
Suffice to say that my parents shared love and sex (at least at some stage through their relationship) but not necessarily friendship.
It seems to me that a massive part of the issue for women when it comes to men is that we don’t necessarily know that we can and must enjoy all combinations.
Let’s face it, as women we all need sex. Just as much as, if not more, than men. I mean come on, we are sensual, sexual, juicy creatures and we love it! Unfortunately though we have been brought up to think that having sex outside of love and commitment is a big taboo and makes us a slut (as though that is a bad thing!) or worse, that if we are having sex with someone who we do not intend to spend the rest of our lives with, that we will miss the opportunity of meeting Mr right.
I believe it is the opposite. When we have this idea that if we are sleeping with someone we have to marry them, or the equivalent of that. We put so much pressure on them and the connection from day dot that it may be just enough to make it break before it even has a chance. Also we kid ourselves into believing that he is ‘the one’, often ignoring big parts of ourselves and our needs.
Alternatively if we have a lover or lovers (i.e. – friendship and sex or love and sex) then this sexual part of ourselves can be satiated leaving us free to explore connections with other men without the pressure of having to jump into bed with him immediately. I.e. – develop a friendship.
This is the first time in our modern history as women where having a lover is becoming ok. It’s so awesome. We need to drop the shame and conditioning that we have around our sex, our need for sex, our love of sex and allow ourselves to have it. Not only to finally enjoy our-selves in our fullness but also to allow the possibility of the trifecta to come into our lives. When we are being satisfied sexually, if we are able to categorise it appropriately and not pretend that it’s the trilogy, we are much more happy, relaxed and fulfilled. We will be less inclined to sleep with another man who is a potential trifecta before first discovering if there is also love and friendship.
I think it’s important to mention here that when you do meet a man who is a trifecta, it IS really special. And no it doesn’t happen all that often but it does happen.
When you have this type of connection, count your blessings, love him tenderly and be grateful every day, it’s a gift from life.
And don’t settle for anything less. You deserve the trifecta. It does happen and it’s magic. And in the meantime, let yourself explore and enjoy all the different combinations of the three. If nothing else it gives you something to play with while you are preparing for your king.
Thanks for reading, watching and sharing.