How do you love as though you have never been hurt before?
My answer is… You don’t.
If we have been hurt, betrayed, scared.. This is what we take to the next relationship. Really this is what makes us who we are and if we expect our selves to be perfect in order to be able to love and be loved, well then, sorry to say it but you are going to be waiting for hell to freeze over.
Isn’t it actually what we are looking for, to have someone hold us and accept us even and especially in all the parts of ourselves that we don’t like?
There was a time in my life where I had a very healing and loving experience where I kind of lost my shit.
Here I am, having dedicated my life to being a voice for conscious relating. And to be perfectly honest, it’s not a title that I want to feel the pressure to live up to. Yet it’s the case. So I find myself in the unsexy situation of having my vulnerability and insecurity totally triggered. I found my special someone in a situation with another woman that I interpreted in my own mind to be something a lot more intimate than it actually was. Now I know that I am a conscious, strong, intelligent, loving and accepting woman, so why on earth would I be triggered in this way?
…. Because I am a human being. Just like all other human beings that are a summary of all of our experiences.
Did I calmly walk over and state my feelings in a rational and mature way? No, I left the house and when I eventually returned I sulked and didn’t say anything.
Once the silence was cut with a bread knife and I finally said all that I was feeling, with a very pouty expression, the said man responded by calmly explaining what had actually happened, which was not at all as sinister or even close to being, as I had imagined.
Feeling a little silly, with my tail between my legs, I said as much to him. His response was that he understood and that it made perfect sense to him, he illustrated that my being human, being vulnerable and reacting from past places of pain did not deter him from caring for me.
He explained to me that the place of my reaction and emotional insecurity comes from the same place as my giggles and sexy expression and that he’d be a fool to expect to have only one half of me.
He illustrated that my being human, being vulnerable and reacting from past places of pain did not deter him from caring for me. He explained to me that the place of my reaction and emotional insecurity comes from the same place as my giggles and sexy expression and that he’d be a fool to expect to have only one half of me.
It reminded me that we often put unrealistic expectations on ourselves of how perfect we need to be and that in fact, if someone actually cares about you, all you need to be is yourself. It was a timely and welcomed reminder.
Could it be that this is exactly what allows a person to love us? That being real, broken and human is exactly what we need to be in order to let love in.
Could it be that your stinky hairy bits are actually the golden cracks that can best be recognised by showing them to someone so that they can help you to see that you are gold. That your pain and damage are what make you beautiful and loveable?
“When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandise the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has history it becomes more beautiful” ~ Barbara Bloom
Have you found yourself always relating with people that don’t seem to really meet you? That don’t seem to really accept you? Do you find that you are spending your whole life trying to accept yourself and once you have accepted one crack, then another just appears?
What if we can learn to love and accept ourselves to a degree, possibly a large degree but there are parts that we will only come to accept when we allow someone else to see them, and fill them up with love?
What if we don’t need to love as though we’ve never been hurt before? What if we just need to love ourselves as best we can and let someone else love us just as we are?
Granted this is not an easy thing to do. To show someone our stinky hairy bits, they might laugh at us or walk away or think that we are too much. They may not accept us. Yet could this be exactly the time that we realise that they don’t love us and that it isn’t that we aren’t good enough, rather that they are just not the right person for us?
Could this be what it means when we say we need to take a risk?
Perhaps this is the magic kiss of the prince that wakes us up from our slumber or the magic kiss of the woman that turns the frog into a prince.
But will you, do you have the courage to let yourself be woken up or turn into the prince that you are?
Can you let someone love your stinky hairy bits into the gold that fills the cracks?
Thanks for reading, watching and sharing.